words of advice

Bethany Round, 36, writer, artist, educator

I've fantasized many times about picking up the phone and calling my sixteen-year-old self. Maybe that's why I ended up working with teenagers and college students... Hoping that I might be able to help someone else skip some of the nonsense.

If I could make that call though, here's what I would say:

1. Give yourself (and everyone else for that matter) a break. You know what I'm talking about. You're smart. You don't need to go around rubbing it in all the time.

2. Dad really does believe you can do anything and when you finally decide to go along with all his crazy ideas you'll really enjoy every last minute with him.

3. It will be tempting to ask for approval all the time but you don't need it.

4. So often you'll stop short because you don't want to be exposed as a fraud but the truth is, you become real by falling on your ass.

5. Boys? Reliability is key.

6. Go to Grammy's funeral because even though the thought of being there is scary, she was always sweet to you and it will help you deal with death.

7. Always have a skill you can barter and friends with skills you don't have. So don't let anyone give you any shit about going to Beauty School. Some day you'll be broke and someone will fix your car in exchange for a haircut.

8. You don't have to worry so much. Everything works out.

Among many, many other things, Bethany Round is the Assistant Director of the University of Southern Maine Honors Program. Every November she hosts a legendary zombie film festival at the school and the rest of the time she spends her time seeing to it that students remain interested and engaged. 

James C., 23, coach and law student

When I was a freshman at the University of New Hampshire, the business school brought in a series of successful entrepreneurs to speak to (and hopefully inspire) the new students. One speaker, Patricia Gallup, CEO of PC Connection (personal computer/accessories direct marketer mega-giant), said something that stuck with me over the years. Gallup revealed that PC Connection was not her first business, and that she had in fact driven several other start-ups into the ground. She said that she learned a lot from these failures, knowledge that she would use to found and run PC Connection, but that still doesn’t change the fact that for several years failure is all that she experienced.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I could give a shit about starting a business now—and back then, too.  That sort of thing just isn’t my bag. What never left me, though, was the air of confidence that followed Gallup around. She wasn’t some charming snake-oil salesman, nor was she particularly charismatic in any way. But she was bold; this much became apparent only a few sentences into her introduction. She conceptualized failure in a way that I had never seen before, as a necessary step to inevitable success. There were no excuses made for the failures, no blame on circumstances or other individuals: they were what they were, and she was comfortable with that.

About a year ago, my father and I were having a discussion about my future plans. He is very open about what he perceives to be his own shortcomings, and insists that I learn from his mistakes. In his opinion, the chief mistake of his life has been his timidity: he was never bold enough to take major risks, to put himself out there, before the judging eyes of others, on less than stable ground. According to my father (who is, in my opinion, a genius), he learned Gallup’s lesson too late in life: very successful people are very bold people, and the timid rarely get what they want.

Gallup’s confidence seemed to stem from a deep-seated belief that she would get what she wanted, no matter what. Was this overconfidence? Yeah, probably. But in the end, who cares? Look at where that’s gotten her. Now, imagine where timidity would have gotten her given her repeated disappointments. Right.

But getting over timidity is a bitch. In my opinion, confidence like Gallup’s only comes when you’ve failed so much that the common sting associated with failure just isn’t there anymore, or that it’s at least sufficiently dulled. When you can handle failure, you won’t focus on it, and you’ll look past it to (what you are sure will be) your eventual success. And yes, this sort of self-assuredness will draw out the cynics, the wet blankets, those who live to remind others that disaster and ruin are but a few short steps away. These people—all of whom are timid themselves—are bullies, cowards who stifle those who threaten to leave their frightened ranks.

Fuck them. What have cowards ever done?

James C. is a wrestling and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu coach in Chicago. He will be beginning law school this fall.

Karin Chien, 32, film producer

432,812 decisions later: What I've learned about overthinking

With engineers as parents, and a degree in comparative literature, I am, my nature, analytical and, by training, an overthinker. It took 30 years to figure out that the best decisions are made with a strong gut feeling, and a slight dusting of rationality.

Without a strong gut response, I learned that it's important to be patient and to let it formulate. Then when it's strong enough, to let it lead the way.

The other thing that helps in making decisions is a clarity of values. That is, know what's important to you. For some it's money. For others, security. For me, it's freedom.

Happiness, or at least a fulfilled life, comes from knowing yourself, namely what you need to stay emotionally balanced, and then having the courage and ability to pursue those very things.

So don't think your way to a decision. Don't seek the outside world's approval. And don't let others talk you into something. Get to know yourself and what you value. Once you know, your decision-making process starts from within.

Karin Chien is a film producer based in New York. Her projects include The Motel, Undoing, and the upcoming Jack and Diane. Chien also serves as guest curator at Museum of Chinese in America, where she has put together a collection of film series about Chinatown in New York and Chinatowns throughout the world.

Marie Stolzenburg, 29, student, activist and waitress

Of the things I think I did right: 

Stay in touch with people, especially your ex-lovers. Like, rebuild and maintain those relationships – you will be happily surprised, later, when you realize how far away all that petty break-up stuff really is. When you visit your hometown, call your old friends. Plan a trip with your sisters and brothers, and then actually take a trip. Sometimes it will cost too much money, but the memories are so worth it.  Occasionally call someone you think of only a few times a year, someone from your past, and reconnect. You can learn so much from building on the past, revisiting it, reinvesting in it.

Of the things I did wrong:

Don't ever say: "I don't vote." When you come to your senses, you will feel as though you were not even breathing for years. Write (more often) in the journal you pretend to keep… later you can mail the entries to your old friends, and they will pore over the pages, laughing, crying, and astounded at the precious bits of history you've given them (ok, so maybe I did this partially right… but you can never write too much). Don't lie to yourself. If you are unhappy (especially in a relationship), own up to it. Your misery will only increase exponentially the longer you pretend. And finally, don't fake orgasms. It is the best way to have the most boring sex life ever.

Marie Stolzenburg, 29, is starting graduate school for Applied English Linguistics in the fall.  She currently lives in Minneapolis, and works in the service industry.

Tavia Gilbert, 30, artist and entrepreneur

Look at who is doing work you love, and then ask them to sit with you for lunch or coffee and have an organized list of questions to ask. Take notes.  Research and pay attention.  And, at the same time, remember that the gift of time is huge, and give whatever you can in exchange for that precious gift.  Buy lunch or coffee.  Volunteer for them for an hour.  Offer whatever you have.  Even if the offer is refused, it will make the person feel great that you understand that an hour of time has a tremendous value.

Save money.  Save no less than 10% of every paycheck.  I wish, oh, how I wish, that I had something to show for the years of work I put in at the law firm, but I don't, because I was immature and naive and didn't attend to financial management as I should have.  Do not make this mistake.

Even though non-profits often see themselves as no-profits, they are non-profit businesses.  It's a tax category, and shouldn't be a state of mind.  If you want to succeed in the non-profit world, understand that you are a business, as any other for-profit business is a business.  So learn about business.  Embrace it.  Make money.  Support yourself.  Don't shun financial security, benefits, health insurance, savings, and monetary success.  Don't turn your back on all the things that enable businesses to be successful.  Don't hate marketing just because you don't understand it.  Learn about goal setting, long-term planning, budgeting, and all the rest.  And then apply the knowledge how ever you like.  Embrace the middle class.  Be the middle class. This is important.  Middle class means a healthy democracy.  So define yourself, build yourself, create yourself, but don't strive for tremendous wealth or romanticize poverty.  There's nothing romantic about being a starving anything.

And finally, know that anything is possible.  You can create anything, build yourself into anything, make yourself into anything.  Luck only plays a little role when you prime yourself for receiving luck.  Being in the right place at the right time is a result of preparation.  No one is going to swoop in and recognize your brilliance and make your life and your way.  Make decisions.  Dream and then implement.   When you're prepared for luck, then luck will happen.

Tavia Gilbert is a voice, stage, and film actor. She heads TG Communications. She is also a business owner and an educator. She is based in Portland, Maine.

Silas Hagerty, 25, filmmaker and gift economy participant

I would highly recommend rocking up to a 10 day Vipassana Meditation course. I'd never meditated [before taking one] and it was unreal. It was the 10 days of my life. You can check it out and sign up for a course here Dharma.org. It's hardcore and it's free.

I would also highly recommend you get a profile on Couchsurfing and start exploring. It is so cool and its also free.

Be sure to check the website Conversations. My buddy Nipun recently started this site. It's a great group of cats. They are looking to capture empowering conversations and they've got a solid posse of people now starting to hit the streets with audio recorders and some presence.

Oh and I've found that when I start giving things away it always makes things better. The intelligent way to be selfish is to serve others. So maybe give some stuff away. Lighten the load.

Silas Hagerty heads Smooth Feather Productions, which is fully part of the gift economy. They are a posse of wonderful filmmakers who do small things on a 100% volunteer basis.